Whales, Adoption, and the Paint Aisle

No, really. It all works together and makes perfect sense.

Yes. Please. Read on.

So I'm at Lowes with Creed going to the paint aisle to pick up some supplies. I have my "Superman Was Adopted" Shirt on. I love this shirt, btw.

I'm in the paint aisle looking over drop cloths when the Lowes Paint Lady asks me where I got my shirt. I tell her it supported a family's adoption. She asked me if I was an adoption advocate. I said yes and I put my hand on Creed's head and he smiles and unprompted he said, "I was adopted." The Lowes Lady said she was adopted too.

The Lowes lady smiles and asks how old he was and Creed can't remember so he gets embarrassed and runs the length of the paint aisle several times while I complete my conversation with the Lowes Lady. She then leaves.

Creed comes back and asks me "why did that lady say she was adopted?"

Creed does not ask questions about adoption hardly at all. So I'm not going to miss this opportunity. In the quiet of the empty Lowes paint aisle, I get on my knees so i can see Creed eye-to-eye and I begin to very simply talk with him about some basic "all people come out of tummies, but some kids' mommies are different than the person's whose tummy they come out of. Some are adopted by other mommies." (oh I know this sounds confusing but it is, isn't it?)

Creed looks in my eyes full on. I finish my very brief explanation, surprised by how serious he has become, until Creed then responds, "Whales have hair when they are born."

"Oh." I say. "Did you say that because baby whales come out of their mommy's tummies?

"No. I said that because baby whales have tiny hairs all over them."

Of course, then. See how it all comes together? Whales, adoption and paint aisles.

Why Did You Adopt Me?

I've been thinking a lot lately about why we say we are adopting. Not we, as in Matt and me, but "we" as in Christians. Yeah. I know that already, I'm in trouble, since I'm thinking about the answer a collective whole like "Christians" would say about something. But bear with me and let's see where this takes us.

I feel like I can think on this because I read a lot of blogs, I'm facebook with a lot of friends in the adoption world, I hear a lot of adoption stories by Christians. So I'm making some generalizations, but again, let's see where this goes-- the comment button will be open at the end of this post.

When I think of the answers Christians give as to why they are adopting, these are the answers I think of:
Because the Bible/God Says so
Because the church is suppose to take care of orphans
Because I want to give a child a better life
Because I have the room and finances to do so
I don't want to get stuck in a "comfortable" life
Out of obedience to a calling
James 1:27, Mark 9:37 etc.
Because there are 147 million orphans and our family adopting will make one less orphan
Because God adopted me and so I need to return the blessing to someone else on earth

When I look at all these answers, I'm a bit saddened because I try to think about this through the eyes of an adoptee. I'm not an adoptee. I've only read books about being adopted, so I can't say that I know first-hand what these answers would sound like to a child/young adult who was searching for significance. But I can only imagine saying to my son when he comes to me, and asks:

Why did you adopt me?

And my answer to him is:

Well hon, there are millions of orphans and you were one of those millions. We had room for you in our house and we felt like it was an act of obedience to do what it says in Scripture to care for orphans and bring you into our home.

This sounds cold to me. This sounds so "we were just going through the motions and you were one of those motions." This sounds to me like something someone who was running an orphanage would say, not leading a loving family. I can't imagine this being an answer to my son that would make him feel loved and wanted.

But I see it ALL the time on adoption blogs.

My bottom-line problem with all of this? I don't like it when people adopt for the reason of orphan care alone. I don't like social justice adoption. I don't like rescue adoption. I'm fine if the need, or a person's ability, or the staggering numbers or the horrific stories get a person to the place of thinking about adoption, but I believe all of this must, by the mystery of God, transform to a heart's desire for a beloved son or daughter. Otherwise, adoption is an act of social justice. I just can't imagine social justice adoption going over well with a young adult who is grieving and processing his place in the family and world.

There is the Scripture in Psalm 37:4 that says delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. I believe the desire in a heart that is God-given is a healthy place to draw from when choosing to adopt a beloved son or daughter. And maybe this desire has come about out of obedience to care for orphans, to give a child a home, to give a reason for the extra rooms and finances a person has. But those things alone are not an adequate reason for a child when they ask "Why did you adopt me?"

I don't like that phrase about 147 million orphans and now through adoption there is one less orphan in the world. My very personal contribution to this number is not to make one less orphan but to make ONE MORE SON OR DAUGHTER in my house. That is where the healing will take place not in the 1 minus 147 mil.

Adoption is a very personal, deeply emotional covenant made between family members, and it should be out of a deep longing and God-given desire to bring home a beloved son or daughter. This is the only answer I can imagine giving to my son that can help him begin to balm his wounds, and this is the only answer I can imagine for my family when deciding to commit to such a forever relationship.

It is not about making one less orphan. It is about offering a child a place as a beloved son.


Note to reader: I'm setting aside the reasons of infertility. That's a different blog post-- one in which I can personally speak to. One BIG topic at a time :)

According to Creed

At night we pray with the boys before we tuck them in. Pancake has been a high priority on the prayer list for all us.

After we prayed for the Pancakes to awaken to a big breakfast and a peaceful day, I said to Creed, "You know, Pancake is going to be waking up soon."

Creed asks, "Why?"

And silly me, I start explaining some sad version of the earth's rotation. Creed interrupts me to say, "oh! Ethiopians are nocturnal!"

I said, "I hope not! Or you'll need to be the one to stay up with her all night."

So, Creed went to sleep tonight thinking Ethiopians are nocturnal.

The Boys Getting Anxious

With the new year and with both Matt and I's increase in anxiousness about the timeframe of our Ethiopian adoptions, our very perceptive boys also have become a bit more anxious with the adoption of our kids. West is excited about a sister and Creed is anxious about the trip.

We plan to take the boys with us. West really just needs to see it happen. He remembers staying home when we went to get Creed, and he seems to have an empathy for children without mommies and daddies that just causes him to want to be a part of bringing our child into our family first hand. It is very endearing.

Creed, being 5, has a few other understandable concerns:

Creed: "What will they feed us on the airplane?"
Me: Well, we'll have all our meals on the airplane for the first day -- dinner, breakfast. We'll be on the airplane for a long time.
Creed: What will we get after dinner?
Me: You mean will we get dessert?
Creed: Yeah.
Me: Yes. we will get dessert. a cookie or a small piece of cake or something.
Creed: candy. will we get candy? Can we bring a bag of candy?
Me: (sensing his unspoken anxiousness) Yes Creed. We can bring bags and bags of candy.

He is definitely a little concerned about the trip-- mainly about the shots. I finally coaxed him to agree to shots by telling him that we can't drink the water in Ethiopia so we drink Coke all day long. I know, this is going to require at least one coke /day for Creed while we are there (he doesn't drink coke at all now), but if this makes Creed excited about a once in a lifetime trip, it's worth a little sugar bribe.

What We Can Promise

It is hard to go to Zeway, Ethiopia and not want to make promises to fix many of the problems facing the orphans and dying widows who live there. What makes this especially difficult is that in Zeway, an amazing macchiato costs less than a quarter, a hotel costs $5 a night and an good salary can be about $50 a month. How far our money can go in the Ethiopian economy.

So when a child asks for something or when the physical need is obvious, it is hard to not to promise these kids that we will fulfill that need.

Especially when they ask for a bottle of water, a Bible, a stable home, school supplies, new clothes.

And while a big part of the partnership is supplying physical needs, when a team goes to Ethiopia, it is not our place to be the givers of these needs. We don't want to be viewed as
"Santa Claus". It is the role of Food for the Hungry and the local churches to deliver these things; people who are there everyday to mentor, follow-up, and be the daily support for these children.

So what is it that we can promise these kids? There is one thing that I have said to every kid that I have visited in Zeway. A promise I have made to each of them.

"I promise that I will ask about you. You are remembered. I may live across an ocean, but I want to know how you are -your health, your education, your siblings, your relationships, your soul. I will think about you and I will ask about you."

Mother Theresa wrote in her memoirs, "There are poor people everyone, but the deepest poverty is not being loved."

Dr. Karyn Purvis, a leading adoption psychologist, says that a basic need a child has is to know he is precious.

So how do we get these children out of some the deepest places of poverty? How do we fulfill their basic needs? We let them know they are loved. That they are remembered. That they are precious.

So that is one problem they have that I can promise to do something about. I promise to ask about them and to think of them and to remember who they are as children of God. We are blessed to know the names and faces of the orphans who are part of the Hope in Ethiopia Partnership.

Can you make this promise to the orphans of Zeway too?

Soon we'll be publishing a photo book of the names and faces of all the Zeway orphans. With this, people will be able to know these children and pray for them. Others can promise to remember these precious and loved children.

It is the one promise we can make.