I haven't gone off on a speel about attachment stuff in a while. But here goes one. . . .
Attachment is an on-going process and it is not something you mess with by being too overconfident with it. Right when you think your child knows who is number 1 in their lives . . . . that is right when they will fall all over the cashier at the grocery store and scream when you say "bye-bye".
I hear a lot of parents after being home with their child for just a few short weeks, say things like:
"My child is so attached to me"
"It's going so well that I don't see why we need to follow through with . . . .(not allowing them to go to other people, going too public, too quickly, giving up "time-ins"*, not insisting on some "holding time"* *etc)
"He is so affectionate, he must be so attached to me"
You'll find that when someone asks me how attachment is going with Creed, it is never a short answer. It is going well, but I know from experience that these things ebb and flow. What may be an amazing day of full trust, comfortable and loving behavior, can turn the next day into distrust and desire to find more attention from someone else.
I say, give it a year before any big judgments are made about attachment. Yeah, a year. At 6 months with West being home, I thought 6 months was enough, and then at 8 months things got even better and then finally a year went by and THEN things seemed settled with West and me.
That's not saying strategies can't be adjusted or you can relax a little, but my opinion is that attachment is so related to trust, and trust comes with time. It's not about one child being better or worse, it's just about time.
Okay, I've stepped down from my soapbox . . . . please fire away at the comment box.
Phrases defined:
*time-ins -- instead of time-outs, it is recommended that adoptive parents (and others with potential attachment issues) do not send their child away for punishment. Instead they are to restrain them gently for the time-in. The idea is to make sure the child knows he is loved no matter what and not sent away when he is bad.
**holding time -- can be defined differently, but what I'm referring to is when you insist that your child be held in your arms to be comforted or loved. For instance, at bedtime I insist that Creed allow me to hold him for just a few minutes while I talk to him or sing. Creed caught on pretty quickly and would stop resisting this sweet time with mom.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
The Thing About Attachment . . .
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5 comments:
Thanks for the post. I think it is great that you spoke on attachment. We saw issues during week two once home with our daughter reaching to give kisses to the cashier at the stores and also pushing me away to go with her aunt who had fun jewelry to play with during church. It can be very hurtful, but I agree that trust comes in time. It has been a hard week with me returning to work as my mother and mother-in-law are keeping our little ones. Two days, our daughter cried when leaving their houses this week not wanting to go home. It is a hard adjustment for me and makes me sad that I cannot be home longer.
Thanks for the post and the reassurance as you've had experience prior to Creed with West.
Amen, sister! I appreciate your groundedness. cm
I agree so much! I thought we had it licked at one month and then three rolled around and I saw how foolish I'd been to think 'surely our situation is exceptional'. We are a the 6 month mark and b/c Dima was so yound when he came home and came from such a stable, well-run baby home, I DO feel like we are coming to the end of the major swings but even that opinion I hesitate to put in stone until more time goes by. I appreciate your perspective on this issue. Thanks!
Hi Julie,
I just wanted to thank you and encourage you to post more about keeping it real with attachment issues. My husband & I are in Moscow now (trip 2 dates are 5/11-5/31/08) and will be returning home with our precious son next Saturday. Woo-hoo!
Posts like this one help me, and especially my husband, prepare for how best to handle certain situations once we have Ilya home permanently.
So, thanks again and congrats on both of your sons!
Karyn
I know exactly what you are saying. For us, Alexa seems to be pretty attached, but with Anneliese, she will still go to the first person that gives her a smile or any attention. She sees someone that gives her attention and she will ask that person to be picked up. Could be a stranger walking down the street. She will get mad and cry if I do not let that person pick her up. It's hard but I try to ask everyone to not hold her. People think I am over reacting. I know it will take more time for both Anneliese and Alexa to fully attach. It's only been 5 months since they have been home.
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